Continuing his one-dog vendetta to bring disloyal members of Biden’s security detail to heel, witnesses saw Major Biden chasing a rogue Secret Service agent through a crowded Trafalgar Square on Friday evening. “I’ve never seen someone look so terrified,” said Patricia Ruto, a Spanish tourist who was knocked to the ground by the fleeing agent moments before Major sprang over her in hot pursuit. Cornered, witnesses say the Secret Service agent leaped off the Hungerford Bridge into the River Thames. Without hesitation, Major dove in after him and neither emerged from the dark waters.
This is one among many sightings of the former First Dog over the past several months from all around the globe, from Buenos Aires to Tokyo to Sydney in what appears to be a crusade to hunt down agents showing insufficient obedience to the current Master of the White House. After his departure from the West Wing in December 2021 to live with family friends of the Bidens, it was thought that Major might enjoy a quiet retirement. “The biting incidents were a warning and service to the country, it turns out,” said Kim Cheatle, the newly appointed director of the Secret Service. “All I can say to the seditious former agents Major sniffed out: You should turn yourselves in now before he finds you. He is taking the law into his own jaws and he will decide how to discipline you. We’ve already discovered several hideouts where it appears Major questioned prisoners using enhanced interrogation techniques.”
The January 6th Committee has invited Major to testify about his intimate knowledge of the Secret Service’s activities during his time of service. In response, the Committee received an unmarked package containing a severed hand still clutching a cell phone whose contents had not been deleted in the now infamous data purge.